


Not a Monster

by PrincessSunflower



Series: Thank You for Seeing Me 'Verse [3]
Category: Black Widow (Comics), Hawkeye (Comics), Loki: Agent of Asgard, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jötunn Loki, Light Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Self-Hatred, Spying, Thank You for Seeing Me 'Verse, Thor Feels, Thorki - Freeform, can be read as standalone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7719151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessSunflower/pseuds/PrincessSunflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While traversing through the air vents of Stark Tower, Natasha snoops on a private conversation. </p><p>Lots of Loki and Thor feels with a splash of feelings from Clint.</p><p>This is part of my "Thank You for Seeing Me" universe, but can be read as a standalone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So, this fic takes place sometime before the events in "Thank You for Seeing Me." Thor is often absent in that fic, because he's off with Loki, so I wanted to give a bit of insight for that relationship, as well as a bit of background on Loki and Clint's standing.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” Natasha muttered as she hoisted herself up into the air vents. She had made the mistake of letting Clint borrow her e-reader. She had known that he would take it with him into the ventilation system; it _was_ his favorite place to read. What she hadn’t known was that he would leave it up there and not tell her until he was rushing out the door for a mission with a quick “Oh, yeah! I left your tablet thingy in the A/C vents! I think on the fourth or fifth floor from the top. Sorry! Bye!”

The spy frowned as the knees of her pants picked up dust as she made her way through the labyrinthine metalwork. After ten minutes of fruitless searching, she was planning the specifics on how she was going to exact her revenge on that birdbrained archer. She quietly turned another corner and stilled when she heard a voice, drawn out like a pleading whine.

“Loki, _please_.” 

It was Thor. Natasha silently slinked over to the vent the noise seemed to be coming from. Peeking down through the slots, she saw that she was above the god’s room. 

“No, Thor. Persist this no further,” a cold voice snapped in response.

The Russian spy shifted her gaze through the narrow opening of the vent. She cocked an eyebrow in surprise to find that the other voice belonged to Loki. _‘Oh yeah, Thor was “visiting Asgard” today,’_ Natasha thought, amusedly rolling her eyes to herself. It was obvious that she had come in during the middle of a disagreement between the adoptive brothers. She watched and listened with rapt attention as they continued their curious dialogue.

“But, Loki,” Thor plead, taking a step towards the other god, “you cannot be so cruel as to rob me of this most beautiful sight. Please, I beg of you, do not keep this from me.” 

Loki turned his head away with a hurt sigh, closing his eyes tightly as if to will the situation away.

“Loki,” Thor urged softly. 

“Thor I- I can’t,” Loki stuttered, a rarity for the normally silver-tongued god, “You do not know what you are asking of me.”

“I only ask that you be yourself, Loki,” Thor said sincerely, his voice wavering slightly with emotion, “Please, do not keep this from me.”

Loki slowly turned back to Thor with a defeated face, his eyes downcast. “Fine,” he said curtly, his tone revealing no emotion. The god closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. 

Natasha’s eyes widened when she saw Loki’s pale skin fading into a shocking blue, adorned with what seemed to be scar-like tribal marks. His eyes, which had become deep crimson, locked warily with Thor’s. “I do not know how you can stand to bear witness to such a sight,” Loki said bitterly, his cold breath visible in the warmer air.

The blond god smiled genuinely at his adopted brother with a heartened expression. “Because I love you, Loki, and whether you like it or not, this is a part of you and I love it too.”

“Then you love a monster,” Loki spat, turning away from Thor with crossed arms.

“You are not a monster, Loki—,” Thor tried to protest.

The raven haired god spun around, cutting him off. “You say that now! Tell me, brother, how many times over the years have you spoken of the yearn you harbor for the glory your ancestors wrought by bringing home the war trophy of a Frost Giant’s head!”

“Loki, I was young and senseless, I did not know!” Thor protested desperately, “I never would have said those things if I had known! I only said those things about the Jötun people because that is how I was raised.”

“Yes well it was how I was raised too!” Loki yelled, shocking Thor into silence. “I was also regaled with the valiant war stories of slaughtering the hideous beast creatures of Jötunheim. I have heard fathers frightening their young children with stories of the demon-eyed ice monsters. I remember the courtyard games we played as children, pretending to be war heroes slaying hideous Jötnar,” he huffed a bitter laugh, “I remember crying because you and your friends would make me play as the Frost Giant.” 

Natasha had seen Thor cry before, from sad movies or songs. He was a sensitive guy, under all of that brawny musculature. But the sniffley ‘sad ending’ crying was nothing like the heartbreaking silent tears that rolled down his cheeks at present.

“Loki, please forgive me,” Thor begged brokenly.

“There is nothing to forgive,” the dark god countered, “I know what I am.”

“No, Loki, you do not!” Thor said raising his voice, “If you did know what you were, then you would see how beautiful you are, equally so when taking this form.” Thor reached his hand out to the other, but grabbed at air when Loki quickly stepped back.

“Unless you want to lose that hand from frostbite, I suggest you do not touch me,” he said sharply. 

Thor’s eyebrows drew low. “Loki, you are one of the most powerful sorcerers I know. Protecting me from your skin would be a menial task for you. You and I both know it.” He boldly stepped towards Loki, standing directly in front of him. Thor stared into Loki’s eyes, challengingly, reaching his hand out to lay gently on the other man’s cheek. 

Natasha noticed Loki flinch as Thor made contact, as if he were afraid of the touch. The blond god smiled gratefully, “I knew you would not hurt me.” He ran his fingers through Loki’s dark hair lovingly. “You are nowhere near the monster you think yourself to be, Loki,” Thor said, “You are strong and beautiful and brilliant in countless ways.”

Loki narrowed his eyes and pulled back from Thor’s hand. “You think me so great,” he scoffed, “If anyone else knew of my presence in this building, they would have my head.”

Natasha felt a pang of sympathy at the blue god’s unreserved rejection of praise, knowing that it came from a place of self-loathing. 

Thor’s face fell in rejection when Loki pulled away from his reach. Still, he reasoned, “They would not feel that way if they got to know you.”

“No one wants to be acquainted with me!” Loki disputed angrily, “Why don’t you understand that?” Natasha thought she saw the shine of unshed tears in his crimson eyes. “All of Midgard thinks me a villain, and rightfully so. Asgard and Jötunheim would both think my existence traitorous if they knew what I am.” He scowled deeply. “This part of me that you claim to _love_ ,” he spat the word, gesturing to himself, “Would bring shame to you and anyone else who has the misfortune of being associated with me.” A single tear fell down his cheek briefly before turning into a small drop of ice and falling to the floor with a soft tap. Loki turned away to hide his face. Casting his eyes away from the other, he continued in a pained voice that tapered off into a broken whisper. “You are to be king, Thor. I cannot be the tarnish on your ledger. I won’t be.”

Natasha swallowed thickly, feeling guilty for intruding on this emotional moment, but not guilty enough to not see it through to the end. She found herself feeling relief when Thor quickly turned Loki back to him and embraced the Jötun in an encompassing hug, pulling Loki’s smaller frame into his protectively. Loki gasped in surprise at the contact but couldn’t even pretend to try to pull away. He leaned his cheek onto Thor’s shoulder, closing his eyes tightly to hold off tears.

“I love you, Loki,” Thor said, “And one day, I will reunite Asgard and Jötunheim in an era of peace. Our people could exist in harmony and you would be free to walk around in whatever form you choose.”

Loki let out a long breath and buried his head in Thor’s shoulder. “What a pretty picture you paint, brother.”

Thor pulled back then, keeping hold of Loki’s shoulders, as if out of fear that he would run away. He held the other’s gaze meaningfully as he spoke. “I do not picture a future as king without you by my side. I do not care if you think me a fool for it. I would gladly accept the title of fool if it meant having you, Loki.”

Loki smiled sadly and breathed a laugh. “Then we will be fools together,” he said, all fight gone from his voice. Thor moved in and gently pushed Loki’s hair behind his ear before leaning in to kiss him deeply. 

At that, Natasha decided that she had intruded enough. She silently slipped back the way she came, never making her presence known to the two men.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*

“So, you already knew?”

“That he’s blue?” Clint shrugged, “Yeah, I knew that.”

“Not just that he’s blue,” Natasha continued, leaning back into Clint’s couch as she recalled her espionage on the Norse gods the day prior. “That he’s a…Frost Giant? Which, _firstly_ , exist. And _secondly_ , are viewed on Asgard as nightmarish monsters.” Natasha clasped her hands around her Hawkeye insignia coffee mug. “Did you see any of that while you two were mentally connected?”

“Mmm, kinda hard to say,” Clint answered, “I couldn’t exactly go picking through his mind. I saw what he was thinking about the most, basically the ‘loudest’ things in his brain. At the time, it was a whole lot of Thor.” Clint rolled his eyes goodnaturedly. “And Thanos, but that’s honestly too disturbing to talk about. What I saw about him through Loki’s brain was literally nightmarish.

“But when we were alone,” Clint continued, recalling his time under the Tesseract’s control, “usually at night time, he would think about things. That’s how I knew that he was blue. He kept playing through his memories of when he found out about it. I could feel his pain, but I didn’t really know what it was about.”

“Hmm,” Natasha hummed thoughtfully. “His Jötun form is… actually very pretty to see,” she commented.

Clint snorted, “Got a crush on Loki, Tash?”

Natasha smacked Clint in the arm. “Shut up, Barton. Besides, even if I did, it’s not like I could compete with the Shakespearian-level love poems that gush out of Thor’s mouth.”

“Seriously?” the archer laughed.

“Oh, you have no idea,” Natasha shook her head, “If you thought he was emotional about the ASPCA commercial, you’ve got to see him around Loki.”

“Yeah, from what I saw in Loki’s head, he and Thor have some ride-or-die shit between them,” Clint said, taking a gulp of coffee from his Black Widow coffee mug. “They’re older than you’d think. Like, thousands of years old or something.” Natasha’s brows furrowed as she listened. “I got to see a rough story line. Loki was thinking about it because he was jealous of Jane. Over the hundreds of years, Loki and Thor have had other, unfulfilling relationships, at least from Loki’s perspective. But, they always come back to each other, like they really can’t resist it.”

“I was wondering about Jane,” Natasha mused.

“When they were growing up,” Clint continued, “they didn’t know Loki was adopted, or that he was a Frost Giant. But since they thought they were blood brothers, they’ve always had to hide their relationship.”

“So they were together when they thought they were related?” Nat asked.

“Yep,” Clint nodded, “Kinda messed up. A lot of the stronger feelings I could feel from those memories was how much it hurt Loki when they tried to resist it, thinking it was super wrong, ya know?”

“Wow, that’s kind of tragic,” the Russian commented. 

“Is it weird that I’m low-key happy for them?” Clint asked, pulling a face at Natasha.

“It’s weird that you’re comfortable with Loki being in the Tower at all,” she admitted.

The blond shrugged, “It’s kind of hard to blame him for what happened. I got to see firsthand how he was manipulated by Thanos. He really didn’t have a choice. I guess I have every right to be salty about it. But I kind of got to see it from his side and… I don’t know if I would have held out any better than he did, for what he was going through.”

Natasha nodded. “We live very strange lives,” she said.

“That we do, Tasha.”

**Author's Note:**

> When Clint and Nat are talking about when he and Loki were "connected," I'm referring to the first Avengers movie when Loki used the Tesseract to mind control Clint. 
> 
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> Let me know what you guys thought and if you want to see any more of this pairing for this 'verse :)


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